Speed

Going along with the continuing saga of terrible action movies, I present one of the best. Just reading the plot synopsis should give a pretty good idea of what I'm talking about. A lone terrorist wires a bomb on a bus so that, if its speed falls below 50 mils per hour, it explodes. Throw Keanu Reeves' terrible acting into the mix, and you've got a stupid, but potentially badass action movie on your hands. Choice quotes: "There's enough C4 on this bus to make a hole in the world!"
"Don't even think about growing a brain!"
Here's a riveting scene where the bus does a crazy-ass jump that is totally sweet, dude.Apparently, Keanu Reeves called upon the eagle totem spirit to lift his bus over the jump. This is just one example of the many ridiculously stupid, but badass scenes that defined this movie. Other samplings of badassery include: a fight on top of a train where one of the combatants is holding a detonator; a scene where Reeves tries to disarm a bomb under the bus; and of course, many big fancy explosions.
Overall, I would give this movie 1.5 out of 4 stars for some cool fight scenes and big explosions, but a swiss-cheese plot and some terrible acting made it cringeworthily enjoyable. This seems to be true for all my recent views, hasn't it?
This is Jimbo, signing off/out.

Die Hard 2: Die Harder

First of all, my comments on Bruce Willis, the leading role in the Die Hard series. I actually do like him as an actor, despite the whole macho-beefiness aspect of his acting. The first Die Hard movie was actually very enjoyable. Compelling characters, good one-liners, a followable plot, big explosions, and Bruce Willis kicking some serious terrorist ass made it a good experience for all viewers. Sad to say, Die Hard 2 to failed to live up to the reputation of its predecessor. Yes, Bruce Willis still kicked some serious terrorist ass, and yes, there were even more big explosions, but the incomprehensible plot and terrible dialog turned it from a kick ass movie to a lolworthy one. Here's a sampling of the choice dialog that defined this movie: "Which sets off the metal detectors first? The lead in your ass or the shit in your brain?"
"Sounds like someone's been pissin' in the pool." "Yeah... and they're all outta chlorine."
The plot, to quote Yahtzee Crosshaw, is more twisted and impenetrable than a granite octopus, but this is what I understood went down. Terrorists from somewhere, after basing their operations in an abandoned church, take remote control of an unspecified airport. After shutting down the airport's landing strip lights, they make their demands clear to the man in charge of the control tower, Trudeau (played by none other than former presidential candidate Fred Thompson). The implications of this takeover set in when they realize that the many planes coming in to their airport have nowhere to land. Old Freddy submits to the terrorists' demands, and this is where the plot gets sketchy. I'm pretty sure it centers around some sort of drug ring run by Latino mobsters or something to that effect. The terrorists' motives for taking control of the airport are so that the leader's plane lands safely. It was piloted originally by some weird security people, and apparently in all the planning the terrorists assumed the leader could take out a whole plane crew by himself. To make sure the control tower doesn't attempt to turn the runway lights back on, they give a demonstration of their power by crashing a plane into the runway, and pleasing the audience with a massive, massive explosion. Other kick-ass scenes include: Bruce Willis dumping a plane's fuel, then lighting a match on the trail; a fist fight on the wing of a moving plane; and Willis ejecting himself from a plane filled with grenades.
Closing note: I would give this movie 2 out of 4 stars, for cool fight scenes and explosions, a mediocre plot, and a script written by chimpanzees with Down Syndrome (another Yahtzee Crosshaw reference).
This is Jimbo, signing out.

Half-Life 2 Episode 2 Review

The third in the Half-Life 2 series, this game contintues following the story of Gordon Freeman, the bearded theoretical physicist with a strangely inexplicable knack for gunplay. For the sake of time and laziness, I'm not going to delve into the archives and give you the rundown on the Half-Life 2 storyline, and assume you have already played HL2E2's predecessors. As the game begins, you find yourself in the wreckage of the train you left Episode 1 in. Alyx and Gordon find a radio station where they meet a strange new character, Doctor Magnusson. He was apparently a competitor with Kleiner for grant money, and although our relationship with the old coot was unexpected, Valve does a pretty okay job of introducing the character to us and making him believable, if a pain in the ass. Anyway, Alyx and Gordon learn that Magnusson has a rocket set up in the White Forest base, and says that it would be a perfect opportunity to launch Alyx's data packet into the Combine portal. Thus begins our protagonist's journey to White Forest, along with the lovable character Alyx. Along the way he encounters a myriad of near-deadly mishaps, including an encounter with a hunter-chopper, an excursion through an antlion colony, and a brush with a brand-spanking new enemy: the hunter.
This game can be praised on so many levels. I think I can honestly say without exaggeration that this was the best game I have ever played. The visuals are outstanding, the characters are very believable, the plot is compelling, the weapons section is intuitive, and the AI is brilliant. What more could you ask for in a game? If the best game ever award was based more on graphics, physics, and combat, I think I would lean more towards Crysis, but with the story and cinematic feel, Episode 2 is my choice.Of course, I haven't played a great many games in my time, but I think I have a pretty good idea of the gaming scene.

Footnote: Kudos to Valve for the excellent G-man monologue during Alyx's immersion in the vortescence. We really got a sense of his sinister, puppetmaster attitude towards the world as he cooly informs Gordon of the situation at hand, highlighted by scenes from past and future gameplay in the background.

Portal Review

Portal is perhaps one of the most ingenious games I have ever played. The game centers around the Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device(ASHPD) or the portal gun, which shoots linked portals. This concept seems relatively simple, until you realize all the complications that go into two linked spaces. Momentum is not affected by these portals, objects can fly through them, and they travel slow enough for some crazy portal-through-portal tricks.
In the game, you play Chell, a misfortunate woman trapped in an Aperture Science testing facility for the ASHPD. As you advance through the stages, you are guided by a supercomputer named GLaDOS(Genetic Lifeform and Disk-Operating System), whose darker side is slowly revealed to the player. She vaguely hints to the player about the end of the test, which may or may not end very, very badly.
Portal, while only about two hours long, has very high replay value, as it can take several goes through the whole game to truly think with portals. One neat thing I try to do is a speedrun of Portal, using the "ninja method" to fly through test chambers in a fraction of the time it would normally take. This often involves using momentum to your advantage, flying through one portal and coming out the other one to cleanly hop on to a platform.
Yahtzee of Zero Punctuation probably does a better review of Portal than I do, but lacking an endless supply of wit, I simply provide you with the raw facts.

Update time!

Well, it's been over two weeks since my last update, so it's time for some compensation. This is Jimbo, doing a TRIPLE REVIEW!!! The following are reviews of the three new games featured on the Orange Box: Portal, Half-Life 2 Episode 2, and Team Fortress 2. Yes, I know that the Box has been out for quite some time now, but hell, I like reviewing.